Monday, March 21
From Jaded to Hopeful
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. —James 1:5
The sound of my pager broke my sleep. The familiar, disturbing shriek was an unwelcome disruption; it alerted me that someone had done something egregious to a child. For five years I investigated crimes against children, and after five years the calls were only getting harder. My soul was crushed by the weight of brutality I had witnessed. I turned the pager off. But the familiar pounding in my chest and head returned; anxiety was my constant companion.
I got dressed. It was two o’clock in the morning and I had a sense of overwhelming dread. Over those five years I had developed a type of cynicism, a general distrust of others. My optimism was replaced with burnout, helplessness, and despair. No matter what I did, there seemed no way to save children from the inexplicable acts of exploitation and abuse I had seen and I wondered: How could a loving God allow atrocities to happen to innocent children? I could not reconcile it.
I answered the call on the pager and was sent to a hospital to meet a 5-year-old boy named Orlando. Orlando had multiple injuries including a broken arm, scalp lacerations, and a concussion. His mother told me she “couldn’t deal with him any longer.” I filed an affidavit for a court hearing and wondered, “Where are you, God?” Orlando and his mother lived at a homeless shelter so when he was released from the hospital three days later to go to court, he had his few possessions in a trash bag: a few worn shirts and pants. I stopped at Walmart and bought him two new outfits, new shoes, socks, and underwear. I asked if he would like a new toy and Orlando chose a dump truck. As we stood in the checkout line, he looked up at me with hopeful eyes and whispered tentatively, “Maybe, when we go to court, you could be my new mama.”
I swallowed back the huge lump in my throat. I looked at Orlando in his thread-bare clothes, his tiny arm in a sling, stitches on his scalp. He was bruised and beaten, but not broken. He was hurt and homeless, but hopeful. I was ashamed of my own self-absorbed sadness. I knelt and hugged Orlando. I explained that I wouldn’t be able to be his mother, but we would be friends, and I promised to help find him a home with people who would love him.
That day, something in me woke up. I knew I needed help. I was focused on things that were wrong in the world but had failed to see things that were right. I blamed God for the bad choices of humans and the consequences of their behaviors. I was struggling with faith.
I sought counseling and returned to church. I prayed and read Scripture. I asked questions. I read books by Phillip Yancy and Harold Kushner. And I found that I could ask God difficult questions and He would provide answers. Twenty-two years have passed since the night I met Orlando. I am thankful God used the wisdom of that small child to awaken my heart. Who has God placed in your path to give you guidance?
God, we pray that you will give us wisdom and grace this day. Send us friends with insight and messages of your kingdom that we may be reminded of your grace and glory. Help us to be messengers of your goodness and of your good news to others. When we are discouraged, help us find peace in your word, solace and comfort in your spirit, and wisdom in your light. Amen.
Jen Curry Csaszar